I have been creatively blocked for a while...

​There have been ideas, yes.
But somehow I haven’t been able to give them a voice. I have swallowed them and kept them in, to the point of experiencing a constant internal ‘stacking error’.
I am ashamed to admit that I have waved them away, put them on hold and told them I had other priorities (even washing the dishes can become a priority, when you are ignoring an inner voice).

So how did it happen?

 

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Vulnerable. H. Hackenberg 2005    

• Was it the moment of having to leave my beloved studio and pack up all my canvases and paints and put them into storage? I’ll be honest, that really hurt. I haven’t painted since.
  
  
• Or was it when the publishers who had been very interested in my book were suddenly taken over by another company and I somehow disappeared off their radar?
  
  

Although disappointing at the time, these things didn’t stop my creative flow. No single event caused my creative wiring to get clogged up. Inspiration is powerful and it doesn’t give up so easily. Even when I feel stuck, my pretty-much continuous trickling of ideas is alive. It is not dependent on a location, nor on the appreciation that someone may or may not give it. It is not even related to any money it might bring in.

But Creativity does ask one thing of me. For me to be at home. For me to open the door when it knocks. For me to welcome it in when it drops by unexpectedly.
And lets be honest, it’s been a while. My list of ‘Go away, I’m busy’ answers covered a wide spectrum including making money, keeping people satisfied and taking holiday time because I was tired. There was also a good portion of, ‘Nobody reads it anyway’ and ‘It is safer to be invisible from the world’.
Thoughts. Just thoughts. My thoughts…
 
And not the first time, nor the second… But after a period of persistently being ignored, Creativity gets angry. It gets sizzlingly, implodingly, 'feel like punching you in the face' MAD.   
And that is when I get to feel it. At best I get extremely tired trying to keep all that energy down. At worst, the built-up tension makes me depressed or even sick.
 
When you carry a mission to work with creative energy, you really have little choice. Nobody says I have to make a name for myself or become an actor in the spotlights. Small steps, large steps, with or without an audience. It really doesn’t matter.
Creativity is not about the end product. But there is an energy that needs to be expressed.
It has to find a flow, any flow. I could cook creatively, write an inspired letter or doodle alien-like creatures on the pad by the phone like my Father used to do. As long as I'm listening.
 
I have so much inside of me that I don’t know where to start. So I’ll start with an apology:
Sorry Creativity, for not having listened. Your presence gives me joy and excitement and makes me feel alive. You are a great blessing in my life and I would never willingly neglect you. I can’t promise I’ll never go off-line again. But I’ll work on the thoughts that are afraid to welcome you completely, how’s that? Please stay close.
 
With love,
Henriette